Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument with your partner, a family member, or close friend, blaming them for your discomfort, expecting the other person to behave differently, so you can be ok? You're not alone.
In the realm of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, this is where an essential practice called the "U-turn" comes into play. The "U-turn" is a core skill in IFS which encourages us to shift from focusing outwardly blaming others or external circumstances for our emotional experiences, to turning inward and exploring what’s happening within us when the thing outside us is occurring. In essence, the "U-turn" encourages a process of radical self-reflection and responsibility that transforms conflict into an opportunity for connection and growth.
In an IFS conceptualisation, when we are activated by someone else’s behavior or an external event, it’s largely because a part of us feels threatened, hurt, or misunderstood. The "U-turn" is the process of taking that moment of reactivity and using it as an invitation to pause, notice, and then focus inward. Instead of focusing outwardly on what the other person did or how they made us feel, we ask ourselves:
What’s going on inside me right now?
Which part of me is reacting to this situation?
What does this part need from me?
Given everyone has a history of being threatened, hurt, or misunderstood in relationships (because ruptures are commonplace in even the healthiest relationships), you can start to determine how much of the activation is about the current situation, and how much energy is being channeled in from a past painful interaction with similar dynamics. By making this "U-turn," we shift from an external blame cycle to an internal inquiry, paving the way for deeper understanding.
What clients really like about the "U-turn" is how empowering the process can be. Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing that is activating and trouble-shooting how to get them to be different, which ultimately sends the message to someone's system that the world needs to be different so they can be ok, the ability to U-turn puts the responsibility for the activation firmly on the individual. In this way, the "U-turn" deepens self-awareness, allowing us to become aware of the parts of us that are activated in response to external situations. Instead of being overwhelmed or controlled by these parts, we can observe them, understand their needs, and respond from a place of calm and clarity. When we turn inward, we begin to see that our reactions often come from younger, wounded parts of ourselves that are seeking safety, validation, and love. This realisation allows us to move toward these parts with compassion, rather than judgment. By taking responsibility for our own emotions, we stop projecting our inner struggles onto others. This not only reduces conflict but also creates space for authentic connection and understanding in our relationships.
Here are some steps to help you integrate the "U-turn" into your daily life:
Notice the the trailhead. When you feel yourself getting reactive - angry, defensive, or upset - stop and pause. Acknowledge that something inside you has been activated.
Shift focus inward. Instead of focusing on the external situation or the person who triggered you, ask yourself:
What am I noticing right now?
Where do I feel this in or around my body?
Identify the part. Try to identify the part of you that’s reactive. Is it a protective part trying to shield you from harm? Or a younger part that feels hurt or scared?
Invite curiosity. Engage with this part of yourself with curiosity and compassion. You might ask:
What are you afraid of right now?
What do you need from me?
Respond from Self. Once you’ve connected with the reactive part, respond from your core Self - the calm, compassionate, and wise center of who you are. Offer reassurance, support, or validation to the part that needs it.
Here is a real-life example of the "U-turn":
Remember a scenario where your friend shows up half-an-hour late to meet you. Their phone was out of charge so they couldn't text. You feel a surge of anger and disappointment. Instead of immediately blaming them for being inconsiderate, you pause and turn inward. You notice a part of you that feels abandoned, perhaps echoing an experience from childhood where you felt forgotten or unimportant. By making the "U-turn," you can acknowledge and soothe that part of yourself, recognising that your friend’s behavior wasn’t intentionally hurtful. From this place of self-awareness, you’re able to express your feelings to your friend in a calm and constructive way, fostering understanding rather than escalating conflict.