Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy looks like a deceptively simple process. However, as you start to attempt to navigate your internal system of parts by yourself or with a therapist, it can quickly become incredibly complex. The process can run aground in innumerable ways, often because of covert protective parts that are either Self-like, and therefore difficult to discern from the real Self, or present as intractable blocks which brings up frustrated parts of the client and anxious parts of therapist. I have chosen five of these common obstacles or blocks that stump clients and seasoned IFS-trained therapists alike. There are many ways to navigate these blocks so don't take this as a rigid "how-to" or as an exhaustive list. The way I work with them is not the way you necessarily will. Maybe see this as a starting point and use your own creativity and ingenuity to work with whatever comes up, remembering most protective parts stuck in extreme roles are tired, and wants the support and care from the Self.
Self-like Curiosity. Often clients come to IFS having completed extensive reading, or maybe having done some IFS meditations on their own. So, when they are invited inside and asked the "How do you feel towards the part?" befriending question, and they answer, "curious" but the part whom they are curious towards does not respond, or the process stalls in some ways. This may be because the part responding is an Intellectual Manager has read IFS literature, or a People-pleasing manager who knows that "curious" is the textbook answer. A way to navigate this is to ask for the body sensation that goes with the curiosity, or, "Where do you feel that curiosity in your body?" Remember, Self-energy is an embodied experience. If there is no body sensation that goes with the curiosity, or confusion comes with that question, it is likely one of the Self-like parts above is answering. You can then notice that and either ask that one to relax, or ask it what is it concerned will happen if the parts lets the Self be curious (credit to Susan McConnell, creator of Somatic IFS for this intervention).
"I like it!" Sometimes when you ask the "How do you feel towards the part?" question, you get the answer, "I like it!", or "I love it! as a respond. While on the surface this may look like an easy track to a Self-part connection, in actuality it may be an answer coming from the part you are attempting to befriend, rather than from the Self. In other words, the part is blended. Self doesn't like or love what a part is doing, it's curious about it, or compassionate towards it (or any of the other C's). As an example, sometimes while working with a substance using or addicted Firefighter that is blended with the client's Self, you will often get a response like, "I like it, it gets me out of my head!" This response indicates that the person is blended with the Firefighter and it is polarised with a strict Intellectual Manager. In this scenario, you can either ask the Firefighter to relax back and meet the Self, or, if it won't separate, use Direct Access and speak to it directly (credit to Martha Sweezy, the author of "IFS for Guilt and Shame" for this intervention).
"Sad". Often when you get close to an Exile (a child part holding burdens around trauma or attachment wounds), you will ask the "How do you feel towards the part?" question, and the answer will come back as, "I feel sad." Self does not experience sadness, so there are multiple ways to respond to the answer. Firstly, you can clarify if the sadness is coming from the Exile, or from another part that feels sad for it (or both). You can also ask if the sadness feels more "pity" or "compassion" (or both). "Pity" indicates a part that feels pity for the Exile, while compassion (assuming it's embodied) indicates Self-energy. Being curious, and asking more questions always reaps benefits, and drills down to the core of the person's experience (again, credit to Susan McConnell).
"I know already". Because internal connections take repetition and time to build, sometimes you need to retread some ground which has already been covered in previous sessions, or if a client has told a story cognitively from a story-telling part early in the therapy. When you ask a part about itself you may get responses such as, "I know this already" to standard IFS befriending questions. While this may seem objectively reasonable, Self doesn't "know" everything, and therefore the "I know already" is coming from an intellectual manager who may have the cognitive information, but has fears about the emotional and somatic elements of the experience that may come up if the Self is allowed to be open and curious.
"I don't know". A common obstacle for all IFS Therapists, particularly those working with trauma, is the parts that answer, "I don't know." What is behind this "not knowing" in a system that has experienced a lot of trauma? That's a complex question, but suffice to say that dissociative barriers are necessary to survive in adverse and challenging early environments, so "not knowing" the full extent of your challenging experience, particularly at the hands of your caregivers, is an effective survival strategy. The "I don't know" can have multiple meanings and again, it's an opportunity for the therapist to be persistent, and follow up with more questions. You may like to follow up with befriending questions about the part that doesn't know, or see this as an opportunity to really slow down and give the person more space and then prompt them with, "Take some time to really hang out with the question... and notice what comes up". Other responses that yield further information are "Where would you go to find the answer?" or "Who would you ask inside to find the answer?" These questions will direct the system towards the information or reasons for not having access to the information.
As you can see from all the above, protective parts can be tricky, either in their Self-like ways, the manner in which they communicate or don't communicate, and the means by which they use feeling states that are usually attributable to the Self to bamboozle the therapist. The therapists best strategy is stay open and curious, and ask more questions to deepen in to the client's experience.
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